BREAKING!! New Rebbe tries to take over Zabitzal

This just in from those in the know:

A rebel from South Toms River comes in out of nowhere and tries to take over the Chassidus! We don’t know exactly where and how this came about, but what we do know is that the current Rebbe is having none of it (and some say that was the reason why he drove the truck back from Orlando himself).

Now, the big question is, who is this rebel that is trying to take over the chassidus? Originally we thought it was this guy:

But then we realized that one of the minhagim of Zabitzal is not to wear army shorts and a mask at the same time, so we ruled him out.

We sat for a few days wondering who it could be when we though to ourselves, who always wanted the job from the beginning? Could it possibly be him? The guy who hasn’t seen the Orlando skies for the longest time? The man, the myth, the legend, Stuart Lubowsky?

For a while we thought it may be him, and we were this close to going down to his house to personally confront him when something happened.

Well, what happened?

I’m not saying.

Cmon, tell us? Fine.

A picture surfaced on the internet which gave away the guy who tried to brutally take over the Zabitzal Chassidus.

I’ll let you judge for yourselves.


1st shift has arrived!

And just like that, after all the talk, after Mrs Gestetner saying she will never ever go back to Orlando ever again, here she is walking right back into Orlando, into the same trap that she often finds herself falling into.

Its unclear who arrived first today, but what we do know is who made it to wal-mart first.

The answer? None of you, sorry but this guy beat you all to it.


Breaking News Regarding Orlando!

Ok, so I'm randomly texting with Yoily this afternoon when I get this text:

Now, I have gone back and forth with many different people regarding this subject and there are many questions that need to be answered before we approve of this merger.

  1. What's in it for us? More Aliyos? More food by the kiddush? Shorter Davening?
  2. What nissuch are we going to be davening with?
  3. Will Sruly Williger be there?
  4. If he is there, how far is the walk to the nearest lake?
  5. Are there gators by the lake?
  6. Now that Yoily doesn't daven by Chabad anymore, will he still remember how to lead a fabrengin?
  7. Will they be mad at Yoily once they find out he doesn't daven by Chabad anymore?
  8. Once Yoily see's the warm Chabad davening again, will this trigger him to move back to Circle Place?
  9. Will The Zabizaler Rebbe still be seated at the front of the room in his grand armchair?

Once we answer all these questions, we can then address the only question that really matters:

WILL MAKOM SHE'EIN ISH BE THERE???????

If he is, I'm in. If not, we'll have to reconsider if this merger is really the best move for us at this time.


Latest Updates in the Gestetner Family

There's a lot going on in our family so just figured I'd give you a few quick updates:

Tenk U.

Naomi and Naftali's party schedule:

People lining up to take Babby to Florida:

People lining up to stay at the belvedere hotel:

People lining up to buy socks and light bulbs:

Still Babby's favorite thing to do:

Stay tuned for the latest updates...


New In The Schwartz Family

Risi

Just like Danielle, Risi likes to keep her life private. While she has been spotted fishing off the bay of Indonesia, no one knows why she goes there when there are plenty of spots to go fishing in the United States.

 

Some reporters are convinced that Risi was the one who first said the original saying, "Stars can't shine without Darkness." While we don't know if Ari is the star or the darkness, he definitely comes into play over here (as he usually does).

 

After many conversations with Ari about Risi and his engagement, the one thing we do know is that he is as happy as ever, and is thinking of starting a blank inside card company with Risi after he finishes learning in Kollel.

Danielle

So anyways, you know how Motti has always said that he wants to marry someone from the upper west side? Well, his dream is about to come true!

We don't know much about Danielle, except that she teaches at Redwood high school, and hopes that her students become critical thinkers and don't take anything at face value.

Speaking of the Schwartz family, did anyone know that rumor has it when Yoily was a bochur he used to dress up as a berka and chase yeshivishe bochurim around the Mir neighborhood.

They say this famous picture is actually none other than Yoily himself.

Naftali

The thing about Naftali is, everyone knows too much about him. We know what kind of coffee he likes, we know how many times a day he calls Naomi, and best of all we know that hes a huge Babby Schwartz fan. His really close friends say thats the real reason why he lives in country place.

 

Speaking of Babby, how can we forget to mention Yoily, whose entire Zabotzal chasidus consists of his own sons Motti and Yaakov, who are already in a huge fight over who gets to lead the Az Yashir singing by the lake this year Pesach in Orlando.

 

Speaking of Pesach in Orlando, we all know that is absolutely happening for Pesach 2021. Lets just hope that Yoily doesn't pack up 3 days into Pesach and leave everyone to fetch food and a minyan from the Gestetners like hes done in the past few years.

 

Here is a picture from a fan of Yoily flying to Orlando last year:


The Trip Has Begun [Updated]

Aaaaand the long anticipated trip has begun.

What we know so far:

Yoily already went to Halu Teman ( I don’t blame him one bit)

Additionally,  Motti made his way into the trip plans.

Based on the pictures, the one large group has already formed into a few smaller groups. Here is one of them:

According to Perry and Miriam they are on the way to the Kosel (At least their group is, Yoilys group may still be by Halu Teman)

The smaller groups made up with each other and they all got together to go to the Kosel (Except I didn’t see Motti)

They have a lot of mouthwash which makes sense. Israeli food can be garlicy.

All them Men are pretending to eat all these weird things while secretly going out for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Everyone is so excited they couldn’t even sleep, this picture was taken at 3am. (Only Yoily was sleeping cause he had Halu Teman)

According to one of our sources (comments), Yittu has been put in Cherem for posting those pictures of everyone at the Kosel. We can neither confirm or deny if this is indeed true.


jeremy wade young

Jeremy Wade Was Once Young

Jeremy Wade was once young. Tell Ari. He’s gonna think this is funny.

jeremy wade young

Tenk You.


Why isn't Yoily going back to Orlando this year?

People are saying that the famous Joel Schwartz may not be going back to Orlando this year. I am personally very surprised, and I’m trying to think of reasons why he’s not going back.

Could it be because?:

  1. He couldn’t find anywhere with a good lake to say Az Yashir.
  2. Lunch is nothing without the Gestetners.
  3. Politics in the Zabitzal Beis Medrash.

Either way, Stuart Lubowsky is kicking himself in the pants since he really wanted to come this year since missing out in 2019.

But listen, as they say in English: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

And you know what else they say: “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.”

What do these saying have to do with this story? Absolutely nothing, but some might say that these are such good sayings that they don’t need to fit in to make any sense.

Does this make any sense to you? Doesn’t have to. LOL.

Anyways, basically what I’m saying is that Pesach Orlando isn’t going to happen this year unless a miracle happens.

You know what they say about miracles: “Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.”


Mazel Tov To Giannis On Becoming A Ger!

Anyways, Giannis became Jewish. What? He became Jewish??? Yes he did! The problem is that he became so frum, he never takes off his hat.

Not only that, but he is constantly found with a shofar in his mouth. The Milwaukee Bucks are currently looking into the situation at hand.

Inside sources say he became frum because he thought that MVP award stands for Most Valoshiner Player. Valoshin was a place in Europe, so Giannis decided he wants to be like Reb Chaim from Valoshin.


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