New In The Schwartz Family

Risi

Just like Danielle, Risi likes to keep her life private. While she has been spotted fishing off the bay of Indonesia, no one knows why she goes there when there are plenty of spots to go fishing in the United States.

 

Some reporters are convinced that Risi was the one who first said the original saying, "Stars can't shine without Darkness." While we don't know if Ari is the star or the darkness, he definitely comes into play over here (as he usually does).

 

After many conversations with Ari about Risi and his engagement, the one thing we do know is that he is as happy as ever, and is thinking of starting a blank inside card company with Risi after he finishes learning in Kollel.

Danielle

So anyways, you know how Motti has always said that he wants to marry someone from the upper west side? Well, his dream is about to come true!

We don't know much about Danielle, except that she teaches at Redwood high school, and hopes that her students become critical thinkers and don't take anything at face value.

Speaking of the Schwartz family, did anyone know that rumor has it when Yoily was a bochur he used to dress up as a berka and chase yeshivishe bochurim around the Mir neighborhood.

They say this famous picture is actually none other than Yoily himself.

Naftali

The thing about Naftali is, everyone knows too much about him. We know what kind of coffee he likes, we know how many times a day he calls Naomi, and best of all we know that hes a huge Babby Schwartz fan. His really close friends say thats the real reason why he lives in country place.

 

Speaking of Babby, how can we forget to mention Yoily, whose entire Zabotzal chasidus consists of his own sons Motti and Yaakov, who are already in a huge fight over who gets to lead the Az Yashir singing by the lake this year Pesach in Orlando.

 

Speaking of Pesach in Orlando, we all know that is absolutely happening for Pesach 2021. Lets just hope that Yoily doesn't pack up 3 days into Pesach and leave everyone to fetch food and a minyan from the Gestetners like hes done in the past few years.

 

Here is a picture from a fan of Yoily flying to Orlando last year:


The Trip Has Begun [Updated]

Aaaaand the long anticipated trip has begun.

What we know so far:

Yoily already went to Halu Teman ( I don’t blame him one bit)

Additionally,  Motti made his way into the trip plans.

Based on the pictures, the one large group has already formed into a few smaller groups. Here is one of them:

According to Perry and Miriam they are on the way to the Kosel (At least their group is, Yoilys group may still be by Halu Teman)

The smaller groups made up with each other and they all got together to go to the Kosel (Except I didn’t see Motti)

They have a lot of mouthwash which makes sense. Israeli food can be garlicy.

All them Men are pretending to eat all these weird things while secretly going out for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Everyone is so excited they couldn’t even sleep, this picture was taken at 3am. (Only Yoily was sleeping cause he had Halu Teman)

According to one of our sources (comments), Yittu has been put in Cherem for posting those pictures of everyone at the Kosel. We can neither confirm or deny if this is indeed true.


Remember when ya ma mai was a cool song?

Who remembers when Ya Ma Mai was a hit song? I wonder if it came out today as a brand new song if anyone would turn it on. I think the times have changed.

I still thing Ben Bag Bag could make its way to the loudspeakers but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY that anyone would ever think about listening to Tzavei.

Whoever invented Tzavei must have been either very lazy or a genius.

Speaking of music, what song do you think Jeremy wade was listening to here?

Btw Ari is still working on a new high part for Ani Maamin…. Shehaborei Yisborach Shemo.

Details to come…..


jeremy wade young

Jeremy Wade Was Once Young

Jeremy Wade was once young. Tell Ari. He’s gonna think this is funny.

jeremy wade young

Tenk You.


Why isn't Yoily going back to Orlando this year?

People are saying that the famous Joel Schwartz may not be going back to Orlando this year. I am personally very surprised, and I’m trying to think of reasons why he’s not going back.

Could it be because?:

  1. He couldn’t find anywhere with a good lake to say Az Yashir.
  2. Lunch is nothing without the Gestetners.
  3. Politics in the Zabitzal Beis Medrash.

Either way, Stuart Lubowsky is kicking himself in the pants since he really wanted to come this year since missing out in 2019.

But listen, as they say in English: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

And you know what else they say: “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.”

What do these saying have to do with this story? Absolutely nothing, but some might say that these are such good sayings that they don’t need to fit in to make any sense.

Does this make any sense to you? Doesn’t have to. LOL.

Anyways, basically what I’m saying is that Pesach Orlando isn’t going to happen this year unless a miracle happens.

You know what they say about miracles: “Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.”


Mazel Tov To Giannis On Becoming A Ger!

Anyways, Giannis became Jewish. What? He became Jewish??? Yes he did! The problem is that he became so frum, he never takes off his hat.

Not only that, but he is constantly found with a shofar in his mouth. The Milwaukee Bucks are currently looking into the situation at hand.

Inside sources say he became frum because he thought that MVP award stands for Most Valoshiner Player. Valoshin was a place in Europe, so Giannis decided he wants to be like Reb Chaim from Valoshin.


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Pesach Orlando 2020 Canceled! Or Is It?

So here’s whats happening. Mrs Gestetner (Aka Mommy) has decided we aren’t coming back for Pesach next year. Now, generally we would be OK with that, because we do respect the fact that Rabbi Cohen really wants Mr Gestetner (Tatty) back in Lakewood one year, but there’s one problem:

How could we miss out on Yoilys new Pesach program, “Vanitzack Koeileh”?

Wait! I didn’t know Yoily was making a program?! Well now you know. Reports are that Yoily is afraid to confront Mrs Gestetner to ask her if she wants to come since she has already been overheard saying she isn’t going back to Orlando unless Sruly Williger is there.

Yoily is planning on hiring some entertainment, and has been fiddling with the idea of Eliyahu Hanavi, Makom Shein Ish, and maybe even Stuart Lubowsky. So far nothing has been confirmed yet.

Where is this program taking place? Who knows. Not me. Even Yoily doesn’t know. But he will make sure that there is plenty of lunch, and there needs to be a lake in the area since we need a place to say Az Yashir.

Jeremy Wade spotted saying Az Yashir by the lake in 2016

Avrumi is in full bein hazmanim mode

He is now heading out to look for some Gators.

Ill keep you posted with the latest exciting updates on his gator hunt!


BREAKING!!!!!!! Rafi has woken up from his nap

Rafi Hakoen was sleeping on the couch but he recently woke up. Legend has it he does this every bein hazmanim but reports have never been confirmed.

Also Ari and Avrumi are staying in Windsor today because they need a bathroom close by.

We will keep you posted with the latest updates.